Monday, July 16, 2007

The Idaho Concern Analysis Report

I’m alive! I survived a weekend in Idaho with The Beast!

At the suggestion of the charming and witty SA Dave, I have crafted “The Idaho Concern Analysis Report.” This report will reveal why hindsight’s a bitch by addressing and debunking each of the “concerns” I had prior to the dreaded trip.

[Begin Report]

The plane will crash.

This obviously did not happen. But the ride—both there and back—was shall we say, somewhat unpleasant, and not only because of the violent turbulence. I spent the flight there battling the seven-foot giant in the seat next to me for the armrest, and the flight back listening to screaming children while getting kicked through my seat. Those evil little creatures should be banned from planes, movie theatres and all public places.

I couldn’t be happier to have my feet back on the ground in good ol’ 1955.

The car will crash.

The car also did not crash, but that probably would’ve been a welcome relief from my mom’s driving, which involves a detour or pit stop every fifty feet. On the way to the airport, we stopped to get coffee, to tour model homes, to get gas, to drive through a portion of the national forest, to buy lottery tickets and lastly to get McDonalds. Did I say probably would’ve been a relief?

I’ll have some sort of medical emergency while the nearest hospital is more than an hour away.

At one point, I thought I was having a heat stroke, but it turns out that’s just the sensation you experience after being exposed to 103-degree weather for an extended period without air conditioning. Luckily, medical services were not required.

I’ll get lost and stranded in the wilderness, only to end up on “I Shouldn’t Be Alive.”

Rey attempted to drive the jet ski, with me on the back, dangerously close to a dam. Luckily, the voice of reason, from the back of the jet ski, was there to stop him. Although had he got any closer, I probably wouldn’t have lived to make the show.

I’ll be attacked by a grizzly bear.

I didn’t even see a bear, which I’d like to attribute to my preventative measure of leaving my beloved Heavenly and sweet smelling products at home. I did however see several deer and a moose. I also ate venison jerkey. I have no idea what that has to do with bears.

I’ll be bitten by a malaria infested mosquito.

Turns out Rey should’ve been worried about this one. I didn’t get bit once; he got bit at least twenty times, (apparently mosquitoes like the dark meat). He seems to be okay, aside from the swelling and delirium.

My mom will shoot me.

This was a close encounter. After several drinks on Saturday night, my mom looked at me with a blank stare and said, “I can’t wait ‘till we can all be together—me, you, Tony and Rey—together up there.” Up there! As in up there in heaven!

That little comment pretty much sent me into a hysterical fit. I calmly excused myself and proceeded to the bedroom to barricade the door and cry myself to sleep in the closet. She decided not to send us up there that night.

An intruder will shoot me.

Another no go. But, I did shoot a gun myself, not at anyone of course.

I’ll get in a boating accident.

I think the jet ski/dam incident falls under this category. Although, I did see a spider in the boat, and had I been driving when it showed its ugly little face, it would’ve been a major accident.

My mom will live up to her nickname and be a complete and total bitch.

Turns out, my brother was the one who’d be a complete and total bitch. The first thing he said to me when I got off the plane was, “Man, Leila, you need to lose some weight! You’re getting fat!"

But, The Beast was not to be out done; she managed to insult my character and appearance several times over the weekend. She was mainly concerned with my “plainness” and “lack of style."

Overall, they were not as insulting as I had imagined, and I handled The Beast and Mini-Beast surprisingly well. In the words of Rey, “You like to dish it out as much as they do.” I can only offer that my “dishing” is always done purely in self-defense.

[End Report]


Barbora said...

“I can’t wait ‘till we can all be together—me, you, Tony and Rey—together up there" is a VERY strange comment.

Glad you survived the visit!

Addie said...

Yay! You're back! I've very happy to "see you" made it out if Idaho alive and well...

Barbora said...

When do you get your test results back? You've got other hypochondriacs holding their breath with you...even though we KNOW in our heart of hearts at 25, there's not a damned thing wrong with you that a valium and tequila won't cure!!!

SA D. said...

Excellent read, very funny. Glad to hear you made it out ALIVE!!! :)

Also, glad to hear you did the pre- and post-analysis of your trip. Sounds like it wasn't nearly as bad as you'd anticipated. You'll have to keep that general fact in mind for next time out.

For what it's worth, being a passenger on the back of a water ski that's playing chicken with a dam would freak out pretty much anyone. The dam almost always wins.

Take care... tomorrow's hump day, hurray!