Saturday, May 05, 2007

Skittles up the Nose

I’ve had an obsession lately with the nose and nostrils. Not just any nose and nostrils, but my nose and nostrils. You see, I realized a few days ago, (not while picking my nose), that my left nostril is larger than the other. Yes, larger than the other. Not exactly life threatening, but a crisis all the same

Ironically, while surfing WebMD this afternoon—shame on me—I stumbled across a message board titled “Skittles up the Nose.” The entry basically outlines the events of a mother sucking a red skittle from her child’s nose with a wet dry vacuum. (Yet another reason why I’m not having kids). But, as soon as I saw that title, my lopsided nostrils suddenly made sense

I too was once a raging lunatic who shoved miscellaneous items up my nose. And on one particularly lovely afternoon, in a kindergarten classroom not too far away, I lodged a piece of packing Styrofoam so far up my nose that it had to be removed by a doctor.

I don’t know what kind of teacher sits a group of four-year-olds down to watch a movie in a sea of Styrofoam, but that’s how it all began the day I stuck that Styrofoam up my nose. In my defense, all the kids were doing it; I just took it to another level. Being the over-achiever that I am, and always have been, it was my duty to stick the Styrofoam farther up my nose than any other kid in the class.

After ten minutes of trying to remove the jam, by inserting my finger deeper and deeper into my nostril, I emerged from the sea of Styrofoam into my teacher’s arms, teary-eyed and begging for mommy.

The office staff did what they could, but after poking around for a good fifteen more minutes, were unable to remove the lodge. I blew my nose, picked my nose, had my nose picked by others. By the time we headed out for the hospital, that Styrofoam was lodged so deep in my nose that I couldn't see.

And, so the story ends as the grinning doctor enters my hospital room. With a pair of pliers as long as my head and as thin as a spaghetti noodle, he swiftly removed the soggy Styrofoam from my poor deformed nostril.

The mystery is solved! Either that, or, I pick my left nostril more often than my right.


tournesol said...

Oh that's so funny! I remember when my now 15 year old was three, he put cinamon tic tacs in his nose, and when they started melting alittle they got HOT! He was screaming and yelling, put they get smaller and dropped out after a few seconds........don't remember it was too funny at the time, but hysterically funny to tell him about now...he loves that story!

heather G said...

That had me laughing and laughing.

No-one is exactly symmetrical.

Sean said...

Yeah, agreed. Mine are asymmetrical too. Sorry Leila, you're not all that unique! But in truth, does this mean that one nostril is always easier to pick than the other? Wow, maybe you could collect some data, work it up and give us some empirical stats! Oh, how titillating!

Addie said...

I loved your story...and don't worry about being asymmetrical. We're all warped in some small way. One of my eyelids hangs down more than the others. Drives me nuts.
And I love your new banner (the 'shut up brain' one)
Take care!

Leila V. said...

Hmm, I'm not sure I like being naturally asymmetrical, but I guess it beats deformity from childhood ignorance.

Jessie said...

i would first just love to say i'm so glad that hypochondriac's have their own website! this is wonderful, i frequently look at web md for all my issues... this post is hilarious. i too have one nostril larger then the other but i cant think of any story of how it happened.. i'm pretty sure its just genetics because one looks like my moms skinny and oval and the other is like my dads larger and round. at least im not the only one.. thankk god!

Anonymous said...

What the previous commenter said is kind of strange. Could someone explain?
I'm only a little bit drunk, I'm sorry. Please don't judge.
How come some websites, like yours, appear all the way on the bottom of ranks with such engaging content?
I'm a little bit eccentric, and sometimes my comments get removed. I just want to add some spark.

Reality is that part of the imagination we all agree on.