Tuesday, May 08, 2007

An Anxiety Ridden Tuesday

As a rule, I can’t wait ‘till 5:00 p.m. I count the seconds of the minutes of every hour until that magical time when the office doors miraculously fly open.

Today couldn’t be more different. The time can’t go slow enough. And, I have a sneaking suspicion it’s because I’m attending an “event” tonight. Actually, let’s be honest here, that’s exactly why, and that “event” is consuming me.

Rey was chosen as the recipient of a hefty scholarship, donated by a family who’s college student died in a car crash ten years ago. Tonight were having dinner with eight members of that family.

Being the self-centered individual that I am, this dinner is about ME and the way I feel. It’s not about being excited for Rey and his accomplishment. It’s not about being happy to meet such a generous family and having the opportunity to hear their story. It’s about ME!!! And ultimately, about me hating me.

I wish I could stop, but I can’t. I can’t stop deriving potential embarrassing scenarios. I can’t stop feeling like I’m not worthy of the dinner. I just can’t. I’m my own worst enemy, (that’s the one piece of wisdom my mom imparted on me that’s actually true).

Deep down I know the dinner will be fine. I’m sure I’ll have a nice time, I always do. But in the minutes and hours leading up to it, I refuse to believe it's true.
Shoot me now.


Sean said...

Uhm, so what's on the menu for tonight?

Addie said...

I hope the dinner went well, if so be PROUD of yourself!! You made it! And each time you do it'll get easier. Or so my therapist says. I don't have any proof of her wisdom but she's been right so far :O)
Now I'm curious about the food too!

Leila V. said...

The dinner was mediocre: chicken, steamed broccoli, pasta with scallops, toped off by raspberry cheese cake. I was disappointed there was no wine!

Thanks! The night went well, it does seem to get easier the more I do it. I'm proud of myself, even though it was a small victory. There was no tears, no panic attack, just good old fashioned anxiety. The night was totally mellow. The family who donated the scholarship was more interested in schmoozing with the other donors, than prying into our lives. Who would've guessed.

Sean said...

Sounds scrumptious, though I'm not a fan of scallops, or raspberries. I hope at least some of your attention was giving to the purpose of the dinner thing (the dinner itself). But even if it weren't, I'm glad you made it through in splendid (or just plain unscathed) fashion.