Thursday, February 22, 2007

The Golden Years

I’ve known for quite some time that I’ve been rapidly aging. Just recently, I noticed I’m not loosing weight like I used to. By “like I used to,” I mean I can no longer wake up to two sausage McMuffins and a cigarette, eat a super burrito for lunch and put myself to bed with a bowl of cookie dough ice cream and a Guinness. Up until a couple months ago, I seriously thought I was the type of person who just didn’t gain weight. Now I wonder if that “type of person” even exists. (And if they do, please point me in their direction so I can rip their greedy little eyeballs from their sockets and squish them between my toes). It sucks getting old, and the weight gain I can handle, but menopause at 22? This is ridiculous.

It’s horrifying going through menopause. I remember when I first learned that women actually “stopped getting their periods,” as my grandma put it when she found me rummaging through her drawers for tampons. And as weird as I thought that was, uptil now, not having a period was the beginning and the end of Menopause. Boy, was I wrong…

WTF! This thing shouldn’t even be allowed on the net! I stumbled upon it after experiencing severe hot flashes all day, and realizing I was in the early stages of premature menopause. Now I’m in a depressed state of hot flash hell.

I can do the math, my menopausal state is right on time. Most women develop it in their forties or fifties and live to be sixty or seventy; I develop it in my twenties and live to be thirty. Maybe that won’t be long enough for my mucus membranes to dry out.


Lacy said...

um...vaginal shrinking?

Barbora said...

You can only IMAGINE the horror of being 43.

Barbora said...

...I will not be fooled by pictures of smiling cows or More Magazine!!

...oops, sorry about that.

I just wanted to know if by chance you eat your dough ice cream and Guinness together?? Guiness and cheesecake are one of my favorite combinations!

Leila V. said...

lol. There's light at the end of the tunnel. Man, if Diane Keaton looks that good at 61, there's hope.

And while I'll take a Guinness with pretty much anything, it accompanies nothing better than Dreyer's cookie dough ice cream on a Saturday morning.

You must be Irish.


I know. I was in shock too. Two words: More Magazine.