Friday, August 10, 2007

T Minus 9 Days and a Wake Up

Never say things are going good, it’s like asking for something to go bad.

After I rattled on the other day about how great things were going, I had a major meltdown. I did what no hypo should ever do, no matter how great the urge; I googled. I googled “tonsillectomy.” And when that wasn’t horrifying enough, I googled “tonsillectomy + death.” The results were, shall we say, not good. They were so not good that I sat at my desk for the rest of the day in a state of sheer panic with wells of tears threatening to spew from my face. I bawled the whole car ride home and late into the night, the whole time playing my death out in my mind, first by anesthesia then by post-op bleeding, over and over again.

I read somewhere that chances of death by tonsillectomy are 1 in 15,000, another site said 1 in 250,000, neither odds sound terribly appealing. Rey assures me that I’m a strong, healthy, young women with nothing to worry about. I say it’s the strong, healthy, young ones that the freak accidents always happen to.

I have ten days left to live, and I’m not taking it well.

7 comments:

Addie said...

Leila, honey...I'm so sorry you're having so much anxiety over your upcoming surgery. I know nothing I say can really truly help so I'm just going to say I'm here if you need anything.
And no more googling for you, missy! There be monsters.
Hugs,
Addie

tournesol said...

No googling, No googling!!! Sometimes I know I have to just about tie my hands to my sides. No good has ever come of it!! (How about death by overconsumption of many flavors of ICE CREAM? :)

Leila V. said...

Addie:
There definitely be monsters, those of the worst kind! Thanks for the shoulder.

***
Tournesol:
I know, I know. I knew while I was doing it no good would come of it, but I guess that's why I did it.

BTW: I like the way you think, death by ice cream is something to strive for. ;)

Heather said...

So what are you going to do in your remaining days? That's where I'm trying to get to in my worries. The worrying about health ruins the actual healthy time we have left.
I used to worry so much about flying that I would not plan my holiday as I was convinced I would never get there. Stupido.

"A life lived in fear is a life half lived" My favourite quote. From that intellectual powerhouse of a movie "Strictly Ballroom"

AnxiousAnnie said...

I sooo understand... sometimes i wish there was a way to block out all medical related sites from my computer. I know how it is.. you are sitting there you KNOW you shouldnt check, you are willing yourself not to google... and it take over.. you do it anyway.. you find something horrifying, which pushes you to find something comforting and only leads to more horrifying findings. Here is the way i see it.. people like to write about the shitty things that happen to them or the horror stories. For everything you have read, there are 10 million good things that someone did not publish or write.. if you die on the table (which i guarantee you wont), i will slit my wrists and join you? k? PROMISE.. and you know how bad i dont want to die...


xoxox.. YOU WILL BE FINE

aa

Jayne said...

Ohhh. I feel your pain. I too am a hypochondriac, and I had a tonsillectomy a year and two months ago. I was terrified of the anaethesia too, and people kept telling me it would hurt a lot more because I was 25 when they took them out. I know nothing will really help your anxiety, because I had some of those same thoughts(strong healthy young women are the ones who suffer the freak accidents, etc.), but I'd still like to express my sympathies and say good luck:) I hope you'll take it as a small reassurance that I didn't die from my tonsillectomy(and I really thought I might, beforehand).

Leila V. said...

Heather:
I’m that same brand of Stupido. Although, I like to think the fear and panic enhance my life by tantalizingly drawing out the minutes and hours of each day. ;)

***
Annie:
Now that’s what I call support! I'll let my doctor know he’s got more than one life in his hands.

***
Jayne:
Thanks, it's comforting to hear from a survivor. Hopefully I can become one of the proud and the few.