Monday, October 01, 2007

Layin’ Off the Sauce, Take 492

Tonight doesn’t count, because I have an excuse in Monday Night Football, but starting tomorrow, there’ll be no drinking in my house on weeknights. And I use the term weeknights very loosely. Mondays and Sundays are excluded, due to my football obligations, and Fridays and Saturdays are no-brainers. That leaves three days, or “weeknights,” if you will.

Tuesday. Wednesday. Thursday.

That’s seventy-two hours in which a drop of alcohol must not touch thy lips. Actually, if you subtract work and sleep hours from that figure, it’s twenty-four waking hours. Simple enough.

There are two reasons I’m instituting this law:

  • I don’t want to die a horrible and painful death caused by prolonged and excessive alcohol consumption; and
  • I don’t want to die a horrible and painful death caused by prolonged and excessive alcohol consumption.

But, my fear of a horrible and painful death caused by prolonged and excessive alcohol consumption, apparently doesn’t outweigh my attraction to chilled chardonnay. I’ve attempted this “program” several times in the past, and each time, it’s the same result: misery, followed by excessive alcohol consumption on Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday.

I don’t know why alcohol is so instrumental in my happiness. Maybe being raised by alcoholics has something to do with it. But in my mind, there’s nothing like a bottle of wine or a six-pack of beer to relax to after work.

I’ll be back tomorrow to cry about how horrible my life is sans alcohol. Until then, cheers.


Anonymous said...

Oh. My. God. You are my evil twin. I swear it. I've been reading your blog for months now, but this blog just proved it. I've frequently done the 'no alcohol' Tues, Wed, Thurs and weekends don't count. Never bloody works. Though I keep trying. Actually made that same promise to myself once again last night.

Raised by alcoholics? I'd say we're for SURE related, but you're related to The Beast and I am related to Queen of The Credit Cards...and she likes to SHARE. ;)

Maybe I should adopt you as my sister then? We can be hypo together along with a hypo mom (who likes to BUY stuff for others...and who gives a damn if you're swallowing your own tongue when you're getting 3 pairs of shoes and some So at least I tell myself...) and a hypo dad (who gets morphine for GAS pains).

Yup. You'd fit right in with us!

Aside? I appreciate your posting what you go through. Actually helped ME tell others my, ah, 'issues'. They think I'm a loon, bet hey, a hypochondriac is a hypochondriac. Not a damn thing we can do to NOT be a hypochondriac.

Damn...normal....people...with no paranoid health issues. What it must be like to be them.....

......likely not as full of 'excitement' like us. ;)

Sean said...

Actually, I kinda look forward to the death by brain tumor or what-have -you. I can't imagine continuing to live through this miserable existence for another 10 years or so. I want to die quick and painless, before I turn 30.

Anyways, guess what?!?! I met a guy at a bar tonight who said he, too, is trying to stop drinking as much as possible. But he's trying to stop because, like every other vice, drinking costs money.

All told, we should mix moonshine in our bath tubs, and sell it on the black market. We all know the code. Let's not get high on our own supply and make a tidy profit in the mean time. How unlikely. Cheers!

Leila V. said...

Why am I the evil twin? You’re the evil one, (with all the luxuries)! Sign me up for that adoption right away. I’ll trade The Beast for the Queen of Credit Cards and Morphine Man any day. Hell, I’ll take that trade for just the weekend.

And I’ll drink to damning normal people, that sounds like a good excuse for tomorrow night. ;)

So seriously, where do I sign?

I can’t refrain from getting high on my own supply, which is why I’d make a horrible drug dealer. And drinking does cost money, I spend more on alcohol than I do on clothes. It's a sad, sad world.

Sean said...

Same here.

Anonymous said...

Ok...maybe I AM the evil one. ;) And who needs adoption papers? Just show up at my parents' house. Preferably around 3...that's when they start breaking out the booze.

Time for a beer here...I'm getting chest pains. Honestly....alcohol is SO much cheaper than meds AND it doesn't require a dr visit to acquire it.

At least, that's my opinion. Buahaha.


Leila V. said...

Yeah, not only is alcohol so much cheaper, it's something to do, unlike popping pill, which cannot be used as an excuse not to do the dishes.

I'll see you tomorrow at 3:00 p.m.

Leila V. said...

On second thought, I take it back, pill popping is a great companion to alcoholism.