Sunday, May 25, 2008

If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around…

I’m exactly sixteen days into my twenty-two day sentence of Rey-lessness. That’s right; my loving boyfriend hopped a plane to Asia and left me behind, ALL BY MYSELF.

Now, being ALL BY MYSELF poses several problems. The first being, I’m scared shitless to be ALL BY MYSELF. The most important being, I might go into anaphylactic shock and they’ll be no one there to administrator the EpiPen. Or, more realistically, I might choke on my Miss Vickie’s jalapeño chip and they’ll be no one there to perform the Heimlich maneuver.

Truthfully, Rey probably doesn’t even know the Heimlich maneuver, and sadly I don’t own an EpiPen (although I really should invest in one). And while I’ve been able to mostly overcome the being scared shitless part—by carrying a tool belt adorned with mace, a hammer and a butcher knife—I haven’t been able to overcome the need to verbalize my afflictions. Hence the reason Rey’s voicemail is no longer accepting messages.


This need to verbalize my imminent death, paired with my anti-social tendencies, has left me in a real bind. I need to vocalize that I'm dying, but I have no one to vocalize it to.


It’s ironic really; I like to believe that hypochondria is a lonely plight. Until left alone, I didn’t realize there were other players in the game. A hypochondriac needs someone to profess their hypochondria to, (at least in my case).

So here I am, to proclaim to the world that I can’t breathe. I can’t breathe because I have a blood clot in my lung caused by my new blood-thickening birth control prescription. And, you’re never gonna believe it, but I’m really dying this time.


Whew…

8 comments:

Anonymous said...

Thank you so much for your blog! I think I found it on medhelp.com (Laughs)
I think its so great how you can inject humor into this really horrid thing called hypochondria.

I am a 42 year old male who 3 years ago was had some episodes of vertigo which permanently damaged my right inner ear which in turn caused nausea and stomach distress and some real life physical distress which permanently altered my life. I can no longer play my sports and I am not as active as I used to be because of the inner ear problem.
What seems to have come along with it is that I have since then become obsessed with everything medical concerning myself. Thinking I have every major medical disease out there..I never focus on small stuff though...its always some kind of cancer that I am sure to have.
I work full time and am married but it really has affected my life.
I am trying to find a good anti anxiety med that may help. The only I have tried so far is Lexapro which I didn't like at because of the sexual side effects.
I hope that I can get out of this nightmare
Glad to see you've done something to help you.
I'll keep reading!

Jobthingy said...

i would like to see a picture of the toolbelt.. just to help with the visual LOL

youre half way there hun. Rey will be back before you know it.. that or he will check his voicemail and clean it out so you cna feel free to leave more messages.

and teach him the Heimlich maneuver would ya ;)

Anonymous said...

I get this all the time. A few years ago when my kids were both in elementary school, I would actually walk to the school having a full blown panic attack and check them out early...take them home...and make them recite their dad's work # over and over in case something happened to me.

That was a few years ago...I got beyond that to a certain degree. As much as I despise my neighbors, I've made nice and brought up 'health issues'. In high hopes that if something goes wrong, I can somehow crawl to their door and they'll call an ambulance for me.

I get whiggy when my spouse takes off with my kids leaving me alone. Because he refuses to tell me where he is going. And we have no cell phone. I usually find myself on the phone with my mom in AZ or my friend in NC. You kow, just in case something happens they can alert the authorities in my area.


-Cit-

Leila V. said...

Anonymous:
Thank you, I’m officially convinced that the vertigo is going to get me next. That’s horrible; I think your hypochondria is justified after going through something like that.

I’ve never taken medication, but I’ve heard good things about Klonopin. If you find anything worthwhile, I’d love to hear about it.

***
Jobthingy:
I refuse to humiliate myself further with visual evidence of the anti-serial-killer tool belt. ;) Hey, maybe I should patent that!

***
Cit:
That is so funny, I totally imagine myself crawling to the neighbors while choking to death. And I’m talking on the phone to people I haven’t talked to in years! It’s good to know I’m not the only resident of crazy town.

It's all in my head.... hopefully. said...

I absolutely have to verbalize my fears :) My husband bares the brunt of it, then my best friend. The trick is to verbalize your fear once, conveying the seriousness of your concerns. Make sure he's paying attention and that he responds in a serious way. Tell him you need him to do this. He will. Don't let the conversation drag on and don't repeat the same fear endlessly. Expressing the fear is essential to ridding yourself of it. Repeating it endlessly, however, is not helpful. Each time you repeat it another wave of anxiety strikes, which makes it difficult to break the cycle. Besides, if it's something that bares endless repeating then you should take control and mention it to your doctor. If you wouldn't feel comfortable mentioning it to your doctor then you know it's the hypochondria working on you. Once the conversation is over let it be over. Do something productive. Physical activity is best. It makes you too tired to freak out :)

Give this a real try on a couple of different occasions (episodes) and see if it works. It's helped me. Let me know :)

Sorry for the long post.

Leila V. said...

I actually have Rey trained very well now. He never mocks or makes light of an episode. Well, never is a little absolute, how about almost never. And I can admit that sometimes I deserve to be mocked with the things I come up with. ;)

But repeating a fear over and over and over is one of my favorite pastimes, I’m going to have to try not to do that and see what happens.

It's all in my head.... hopefully. said...

Believe me, I know exactly what you're going through. I struggle with it every day. We are too similar in this respect for your own good. LOL.

It is true, though, that each time you repeat it your adrenaline kicks in and that worsens your anxiety. Try taking control and not repeating it on a few different occasions. You'll still obsess about it, of course, but each time you try this the gripping anxiety will lessen. It's not a cure, but it helps most times :)

Jobthingy said...

picture for you :) http://jobthingysjungle.blogspot.com/2008/06/sings-its-like-heat-wave.html