Monday, February 25, 2008

Almost

I almost forgot what it’s like to have a pit of impending doom in my stomach; almost forgot how unnerving the false sensation of suffocation is; forgot what it’s like to have palms coated in layers of sweat.

I almost forgot. And then I woke up. Literally. I woke up this morning with anxiety like I haven’t had in what feels like forever.

Racing heart. Shortness of breath. Sweaty palms. Clenched jaw. A limitless supply of irrational fears and self-deprecating thoughts. All the usual symptoms are present.

Every minute of this day feels like an hour. Blow-drying my hair, driving to work, riding the elevator, small talk with co-workers: all the things I usually do with relative ease (okay, except the elevator), are suddenly paramount challenges.

My only solace is knowing that there are others out there who feel the same way; knowing that somewhere someone else is sitting at their desk with a pit of doom in their stomach and sweat pouring from their hands; knowing that we are almost through this god damn day...

10 comments:

Ricky said...

thats one of many good ways to find solace leila. there are many of us, dying of the exact same things you are (or worse) and yet we always make it through to the next day. i dont know how, and i dont know why, but we always seem to make it...just so we can worry again.

like today. i have a slight infection in my gums where i just got a crown put in. ive been feeling a "weird" in the head all day and have slight pain. its a minor infection i know.....but i also know that its spready to my heart and brain and that im septic and that im going to die in the next few moments or days.

and then when thats over i'll be dying of something else.

Leila V. said...

Ricky:
Very true. I'm actually experiencing some face/cheek pain, and suspect cancer, but with all the maladies in the world, who can be sure. The only sure thing is that there will be something else next week, or tomorrow, or by lunch. I'm glad to hear your dying too, (I mean that in the nicest way, of course). ;)

Woolly said...

So glad you mentioned shortness of breath. I'm convinced I have heart failure even though I know anxiety causes SOB, and even though I can run 5km.
Oh, and I also think I have melanoma (a tiny mole fell off about 6 months ago and I think it is now spreading until one day I will be riddled). And I even have back up worries to take over from each one that gets settled. Arrgghhh. I wish you were alone, but you're not.

Stepherlyn said...

Live one awful disease ridden day at a time. That's what I do. I don't know if you're a spiritual person, and if you are it's not my place or business to ask, but that helps me from time to time.

National Anxiety Week May 4-10. Rally.

Leila V. said...

Woolly:
Don't even get me started on moles. I have several of them and I'm convinced they're changing colors. My doctor seems to think they're harmless, (as she does about everything), but I saw a piece on CNN claiming moles are major danger zones. And as a side stop bragging about being able to run 5km, show off! ;)

***
Stepherlyn:
My religion is the bottle, and it does help from time to time. ;) I'm offended that anxiety gets it's own week, and hypochondria doesn't even get a day! We should start a petition.

Trippincherri said...

I too have shortness of breath and thought for sure I had TB or pneumonia possibly lung cancer....but no.
Stupid chest x-rays came back fine.
Doctor told me to relax and just let my body breathe, easy for him to say.

Leila V. said...

TrippinCherri:
Shortness of breath is the worst...well, numbness in the extremities also sucks...but I digress. Tests never give me peace of mind, I always find a way to stumble across online examples of people dying or falling ill after x-rays or blood tests were wrong.

tournesol said...

Sheesh, I know what you mean. I have been doing pretty well lately too, but there's always that sense of kind of waiting for the other shoe to drop............

The Maven said...

I can so relate to this. It's not always about health these days, but the anxiety thing? I totally get that. *hugs*

violet said...

this is literally every day of my life. it is truly so very comforting to know that i'm not a. alone or b. insane. ok, maybe i'm insane.