Sunday, August 20, 2006

One More Confession

In the spirit of recovery, I have something to divulge; not only am I a hypochondriac, (hold your breath), I’m also insecure and somewhat obsessive compulsive.

One of my favorite past times is to replay an event over and over and over in my head. Not enjoyable events or times that brought me pleasure, but situations I think I looked dumb in; it could be something as simple as responding to a question like, “How was your weekend?” If I say “Good,” I don’t think I said enough. If I explain what I did, I think the person was only being nice and now thinks I’m clingy and self-centered. And it’s not just past events, it’s upcoming events too. I get myself so worked up visualizing fake scenarios, that my boyfriend has to drag me kicking and screaming to social events like weddings and Christmas parties. Needless to say, no event has ever turned out the way I imagined.

I overanalyze everything, the smallest things, the things nobody cares about. Only I guess I don’t really believe nobody cares about them or I wouldn’t obsess over them.

* * *

This is where I was at in my post on Friday after work, enjoying a drink, when there was a knock at the door. My psychotic mother (who lives three hours away and who I have had only hostile communications with over the past year) decided to show up on my doorstep unannounced. So, I’ve had a rather eventful weekend…

She drives me crazy! I didn’t think I would survive, but I did and now it’s over and I’m glad she came because it was surprisingly therapeutic. I realized why she drives me insane – I’m just like her, only a mild form.

We are both overly critical and focus on the negative. The difference is that she uses her negativity to attack others (especially me) and I use mine to attack myself. I learned by watching her this weekend that if I don’t focus on the positive in my life I’ll be her in 25 years - unhappy and horrible to be around - there’s nothing I want less than that.

It’s just natural for me to focus on the negative after thinking that way for so long, but now that I recognize that’s what I’m doing, and see the possible outcome, I’m making a commitment to change my ways.

It won't be overnight, the first step will have to be being happy she’s gone, instead of being pissed that my whole weekend was ruined dealing with her, even though it was.

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