Wednesday, November 14, 2007

I Suck

I feel like a freak. Like a pariah. Like a clown. Mostly like a cripple.

I found out today that the state court is hiring. Judging by the way I’ve been acting for the last six months, you’d think I’d be ecstatic; sprinting to the courthouse with my resume plastered to my chest.

You see, I’m starting court reporting school next month and it’s common knowledge that court reporters who work in the courts pull the highest salaries; we’re talking in the ball park of $10,000 for a three-week trial, which is all fine and dandy, but the catch is these jobs are all sowed up, (surprise, surprise).

So, it’s been my dream—not in the sappy sense—to get my foot in the door at the court, as a clerk, so that I can woo the judges (and their staff) and eventually—after I complete my court reporting certification—steal a lazy, unknowing court reporter’s high-paying job.

But today, when I saw that posting for the clerk job on the court’s website, I nearly crapped myself. Actually, I’m lying, it wasn’t until I read the words, “those most qualified will participate in an oral interview or interviews before a panel,” that I nearly crapped myself.

Panel interview? Um…NO!

Release the anxiety gates! Ever since I read those dreadful words, my mind has been flooded with potential botched panel interview attempts.

Red face. Stuttering. Sweating. Crapping on the panel members. Or my chair.

Instead of excitement, I feel fear. Instead of opportunity, I smell failure. This damn job posting—that I don’t even have to respond to—has ruined my day, and probably my week. I’m pathetic.

I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I know I can handle the job. I don’t think I can handle the panel interview. I want it, but I’m scared. I don’t know if I have it in me to apply.

I wish I was someone else. A braver, stronger someone else.

5 comments:

Sionnan said...

I usually just read your posts but I must put in my two cents on this one...You put your most intimate health details on here for the world to see (quite eloquently and brilliantly, mind you :) so an oral interview really would be just a walk in the park, once you get yourself there. If I managed to do it (more than once), I KNOW you can. Don't let the anxiety stop you...
S<--- hypo, ex-reporter and resident lurker.

Sean said...

Ya know, this may not help, but I recently went on a group interview and cursed during the interview AND my cellphone went off. That's so unlike Sean, but alas, no worries 'cause shit like this happens. So, put simply, you can't get the gig if you don't apply and go on the interview, and you could actually get it even if you go on the panel interview and do screw up by, like, cursing or having your cellphone blare in the middle of the darned thing. Am I wrong?

Leila V. said...

Sionnan:
Thanks for the kind words. If you saw my writing process, you might not be so confident. ;) I feel like such a wreck in person, but I don't want my fears to control me...what to do?

***
Sean:
You're right, I can't do as bad as you did, I guess.

Nikole said...

You will do great. Do it. Do it. Do it. Interview - find out you are AWESOME and then tell us all about it! :)

sionnan said...

At least fill out the app and turn it in. Just give yourself permission to opt out at anytime because you can, right up to the second you walk through the door. For some reason, whenever I tell myself I'm in control and don't HAVE to do anything, I usually manage to make it. and p.s.... Just think of the money :]