Friends Don't Let Friends Surf WebMD

Disaster Averted

I am proud to report that I sucessfully blocked a potential stroke today.

It was somewhat ironic. I was thinking about how focusing on the positive and accepting myself for who I am would decrease my fear of death because I would be satisfied with my life, when suddenly I got a sharp shooting pain through the top of my head. My first thought was, “Oh my god, I’m having a stroke.”

Instead of hyperventilating and running to the bathroom, I paused to think about how unlikely it was and tried to tell myself I was being unreasonable, (even though the statistics I looked up last night cite strokes as the second cause of death and number one cause of disability in this country).

The pain continued to shoot through the top of my head. It was more frightening than usual because I don’t normally get pains in that area, which fueled the part of me that wants to believe I’m constantly dying. I tried to figure out why I would be getting a headache when I was having what I thought was a relaxing day, and decided it was probably left over stress from my Mom’s surprise visit.

To sum it up, I was much calmer than usual and hardly freaked out at all.

One More Confession

In the spirit of recovery, I have something to divulge; not only am I a hypochondriac, (hold your breath), I’m also insecure and somewhat obsessive compulsive.

One of my favorite past times is to replay an event over and over and over in my head. Not enjoyable events or times that brought me pleasure, but situations I think I looked dumb in; it could be something as simple as responding to a question like, “How was your weekend?” If I say “Good,” I don’t think I said enough. If I explain what I did, I think the person was only being nice and now thinks I’m clingy and self-centered. And it’s not just past events, it’s upcoming events too. I get myself so worked up visualizing fake scenarios, that my boyfriend has to drag me kicking and screaming to social events like weddings and Christmas parties. Needless to say, no event has ever turned out the way I imagined.

I overanalyze everything, the smallest things, the things nobody cares about. Only I guess I don’t really believe nobody cares about them or I wouldn’t obsess over them.

* * *

This is where I was at in my post on Friday after work, enjoying a drink, when there was a knock at the door. My psychotic mother (who lives three hours away and who I have had only hostile communications with over the past year) decided to show up on my doorstep unannounced. So, I’ve had a rather eventful weekend…

She drives me crazy! I didn’t think I would survive, but I did and now it’s over and I’m glad she came because it was surprisingly therapeutic. I realized why she drives me insane – I’m just like her, only a mild form.

We are both overly critical and focus on the negative. The difference is that she uses her negativity to attack others (especially me) and I use mine to attack myself. I learned by watching her this weekend that if I don’t focus on the positive in my life I’ll be her in 25 years - unhappy and horrible to be around - there’s nothing I want less than that.

It’s just natural for me to focus on the negative after thinking that way for so long, but now that I recognize that’s what I’m doing, and see the possible outcome, I’m making a commitment to change my ways.

It won't be overnight, the first step will have to be being happy she’s gone, instead of being pissed that my whole weekend was ruined dealing with her, even though it was.

Not a Pinched Nerve, Possible Tonsillitis

According to the almighty WebMD, everyone experiences the occasional elbow pain, (even though I never have). And I may have Tonsillitis even though I'm not bleeding from the throat or having trouble swallowing.

These cartoons (keyword: hypochondriac) should help me stay sane when I think I'm dying......

Nothing Exciting

It’s been mostly a mellow week, no serious deaths. I had a few pains in the head that I thought might be aneurisms but none panned out, and my lip keeps splitting at night. I’m trying to convince myself that my mouth won’t be deformed from scar tissue down the road but it’s not working, I'm obsessed.

I woke up Monday morning with a horrible sore throat. I didn’t go to work. My throat’s still sore but I’ve been pretty good about not blowing it out of proportion. I thought for a minute it might be bird flu but now I’m mostly concerned about having to get my tonsils removed. I won’t let them do it, I don’t trust the doctors in this town.

This afternoon I started to have a bad pain in my right elbow. Every time I extend or flex, I get this sharp shooting pain like a pinched nerve. Rey thinks I'm making it up but it hurts really bad. I feel like I need a splint. I haven't done anything to hurt it, but the pain is real. I'm nervous about going out to drinks on Monday but don't think that's the cause; usually I get a life threatening illness if I'm trying to get out of an event.

Off to WebMD...

I Know I’m a Hypochondriac Until I Start to Die…

It's pathetic to think about - dying of a heart attack, stroke and aneurism all in the same week, and having breast cancer on top of it all. Welcome to my life, I should have put dying as an interest on my profile.

This is where I’ll keep track of my "episodes," in hope of finding the common factors and eliminating this craziness altogether. I already have a few ideas of where it's all stemming from and what the triggers are.I

I decided to start this journal after my stroke on Thursday. I’m usually good at waiting to die until I get off work, but there I was, typing away when the left side of my face went numb. From there it was the usual stroke symptoms: pain in the right arm, blurry vision, racing heart, confusion, panic and the list goes on…

After dashing out of the office, two walks around the block and a hysterical call to my super supportive boyfriend, I decided to save death for another day and check out what the web had to say about treatment, which is where I learned about the journal approach.

I later concluded that the stroke was my way of dealing with my newfound knowledge that I’m grossly under-paid, for a job I do better than my older counterpart, and the person I despise most makes the same money as me, for a much easier job, (and she’s the most incompetent person I’ve ever met in my life). So, I died, that’s my escape.

Anyway, stress is a definite trigger. The sickness and deaths of my grandparents and my brother’s battle with brain cancer have to play a role too, but, that’ll be for another post. Now I need to take a shower and make tortillas before my boyfriend gets home.

I hope this works…